My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
this boner is exhausting
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
