The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
