I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
