He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
