I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
