would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
