____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
