fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
