I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
