If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
