My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
