I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
a search helicopter?!
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
