I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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