So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
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I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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