It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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