I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
