Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
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I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
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You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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