You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
