So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
