Will you blow on my dice?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
