So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
