after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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