Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
