Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
