Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
