how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
