too bad you live with your parents still
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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