Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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