Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
