I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Randomize
