im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
