It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
