dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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