i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
