Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
