My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
