He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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