I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize