guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
