Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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