so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
