Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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