So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
