Four minutes until I can fart!
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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