It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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