i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
