I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
