I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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