Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
