Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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