no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
