Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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