Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
