Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
